On Happiness

If I was to remember a time between the present and the very earliest I can recall when I was happy I would have to go as far back as my memory allows me to. Because between now and then there are only faint glimpses of happiness amidst the loneliness, aggravation, frustration and sorrow.

That's why I found myself so very surprised after months of feeling okay. Because for years and years I've been anything but. And I was convinced it would last forever.

How the hell did I find happiness?

I have no idea. I literally woke up one day and everything simply felt fine. I felt at peace. Somewhere I had managed to build a life that was mine. I woke up one day and realized I'm not a boisterous six-year-old, not a weird, lonely grammar school kid, not a invisible junior high teen, not a one-man-riot high school student, not a graduate with no job, no money and the last one stuck in a dead end town, all my friends already moved out. I wasn't a young adult in an apartment I barely could afford working shit hours at a warehouse.

I was twenty-three, living with my boyfriend, working at the customer service department at that same warehouse with better and more flexible hours, better pay and free breakfast at the breakfast meeting each Friday. And the half-crappy apartment we moved into we've been able to fix. And every single weekend we are off somewhere - a party, a dinner, restaurants, cafes, concerts, friends, family. Life didn't seem hopeless anymore.

When I was twenty I slept an entire year away. I was stuck, I was bored out of my mind, I was broke and all alone and it was hopeless. At that point I seriously doubted things would get better.

I'm not going to take away the credit that belongs to my family, my mom more than anyone, but I'm still going to say that music got me through. Music and books and the people I got to know because of my interest in writing and the bands I like.

Some bands and musicians are just able to create something true. Like a collection of gems. Like something that makes sense in the context of your life. It helped me because it made me feel like I belonged even when I didn't.

I think I was happy as a kid because I belonged with my family. But most teens belong somewhere with friends. I was in no-mans-land for years and years, clinging to the songs I sung at the top of my lungs.

And I'm till surprise, writing this, that the feeling of happiness is still here. Sure, I have my downs, but they are short and they are few.

I'm still getting used to this. But I want to do my best to hold on to happiness.